How Do You Deal with a Narcissist?

By Deb Boelkes

I’m often asked by mentees (of all ranks), “How do you deal with an especially annoying, self-centered, toxic individual who comes across to others as though they rule the world?”

Some define such adversaries as toxic. Some call them bullies. Some label them as self-important or self-aggrandizing. Some describe them as narcissistic. I’ll just bet you know someone who personifies such depictions.

So, how do you handle such people? When required to interact with such folks, are you able to do it in a professional and courteous manner? Are you apt to deal with them differently one-on-one?      

My beloved partner here at Heartfelt Leadership—the renowned psychiatrist and best-selling author Mark Goulston, M.D.—wrote a chapter titled Steer Clear of Toxic People in his book, Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone.  Long before I met him, my own personal experiences led me to believe that dealing with narcissists can be one of the most difficult interpersonal challenges we face at work and within our communities.  It was reading this chapter (over and over) that prompted me to finally go out of my way to get to know Dr. Mark.

In Steer Clear of Toxic People, Dr. Mark recounts the time he had life-saving surgery. That was the impetus that caused him to think about the stressors that kept him from living his life to the fullest:  

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Forget the Coming Year. What are You Doing TODAY?

At the beginning of each new year, it's customary to make resolutions or set goals for the coming year.

From a business perspective, goal setting for the year is important to inspire, engage and align the efforts of everyone on the team. Without goals, the organization would be like a ship without a rudder, wandering aimlessly.

On a personal level, I strongly believe in making resolutions to course correct and improve outcomes going forward. Yet many of us fail to achieve our resolutions because we treat them like a “someday” kind of thing, to be done whenever we get around to it. Of course, we then get busy with other priorities, like sailing a rudderless dingy.

I’ve come to living more in the moment, in terms of New Years resolutions. My life is more about being the kind of person I want to be while doing the kinds of things that allow me to fully enjoy life and experience the satisfaction of being the way I want to show up for the people in my world. My everyday resolution is to live a more joyous, loving, and Godly life—moment by moment.

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What did you do to change the world this year?

By Deb Boelkes

As we grow up and begin to think about what we want to do with our lives as adults, some of us have big ambitions to change the world.  Some of us know precisely what we want to do for a career, while some of us simply hope to make an impact somehow, someday.

How about you? Did you have early ambitions to change the world? If so, what did you intend to accomplish? Have you achieved your dream or are you still pursuing your ambition? Do you believe you’ve made a difference so far?

Each December I mail out Christmas cards and letters to numerous friends and loved ones—some I see regularly; some I rarely, if ever, see anymore. I cherish the opportunity to keep in touch and let these dear ones know they hold a special place in my heart. I find it cathartic to take stock of my year’s journey and I always look forward to hearing the recount of my loved one’s personal sagas.

I especially enjoy accounting for the myriad of little things that were hopefully meaningful to others. What did I do to bring someone joy? In what small way did I help someone through a difficult time? How did I help ease someone’s sorrow and assure them they’re appreciated and loved? How did I help others find their way through the dizzying maze of choices life presented them? Such reflection...

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What Was Your Most Humbling Experience?

By Deb Boelkes

Every now and then, when you least expect it, someone will say something especially kind about you or do something on your behalf that touches your heart and leaves you feeling undeserving, yet awe inspired. Such gestures can sometimes leave us forever changed for the better. Has this ever happened to you?

When one of my sons was in military flight school—learning to fly F/A-18 fighter jets—he’d occasionally come home on leave and head down to one of the local pubs at the beach to catch up with his buddies. More than once, he came home from the pub with a look on his face that I would label as stunned and undeserving disbelief.

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Creating Esprit de Corps for the Cause

By Deb Boelkes

If you’ve ever been a volunteer, or led a group of volunteers, you know first-hand that everyone has multiple priorities vying for their time, energy, and enthusiasm. Inspiring anyone to prioritize your volunteer group’s efforts in the overall scheme of their lives can be challenging.

Like herding cats, recruiting and optimizing volunteer endeavors can be the ultimate test of a leader’s ability. So, how can you keep a team of volunteers motivated, engaged, focused, and dedicated to working in synergistic unity when you can’t pay them to do so?   

Let’s get right to the bottom line: Heartfelt leadership is what the most effective leaders rely upon to succeed, regardless of whether they can offer monetary incentives or not. Heartfelt leaders know that what binds teams together is passion for the cause, assignments that play to each individual team member’s strengths and involve tasks they love to perform and find energizing, and having a leader who genuinely cares about helping everyone succeed in support of the mission.   

In my August post, we talked about the keys to employee engagement. These same things apply equally well to volunteer engagement.  Britt Berrett, now the former president of the award-winning “Best Place to Work,” Texas Health Presbyterian Hospital in Dallas, shared his belief

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What Do You Want for Your Children?

By Deb Boelkes

How many special people are you grateful to for helping you become the person you are today?

Whether you are now a parent, teacher, coach, aunt or uncle, or simply a good neighbor to a child, what would you like your legacy to be in terms of making a difference in their life?

While my own childhood was idyllic early on, things turned chaotic when my mother became an alcoholic. That experience taught me that it isn’t always easy for children to navigate through life. Fortunately for me, some very special people seemed to magically come along to guide and encourage me at just the right moments in time. Thanks to my guardian angels, I grew up to be a responsible, self-reliant, and eternally grateful adult (discover more about this in my book Heartfelt Leadership).   

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How Do You Inspire Extraordinary Experiences?

By Deb Boelkes

Do you know what it’s like to be a customer / client / guest / patient / passenger / end user of your organization’s products and services? Have you ever put yourself in their shoes and navigated the entire end-to-end pre-sale through post-sales support process, like an undercover agent, to imagine what a truly WOW experience could look like for them if you waved your magic wand?  

The reality is, WOW experiences don’t magically happen unless every employee—at every step of the process—is highly engaged, loving what they do, in a role that aligns with your organization’s mission, vision, and values.

In my first book, The WOW Factor Workplace: How to Create a Best Place to Work Culture, I asked heartfelt leader Britt Berrett, then-president of the award-winning “Best Place to Work” Texas Health Presbyterian Hospital in Dallas, what he believed was the key to employee engagement. Britt answered without hesitation, ...

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Are You Really Loving Your Job?

By Deb Boelkes

Have you ever found yourself at work, thinking “What am I doing here?”

Most people have probably asked themselves that question at some point in their career. For most of my career I’ve enjoyed the people I’ve worked with and have loved what I did for a living. But there were a couple times I asked myself that very question, especially early on before I figured out my strong suits and learned how important it is to play to one’s strengths.

Probably the worst job I ever had was serving as a part-time fabric store clerk while attending fashion design school. The job was so boring that I found myself looking at my watch every five minutes. I didn’t stay in that position more than a couple weeks, but that was longer than I should have stayed. I’m sure my attitude about it didn’t do me or anyone else any favors. Yet, thankfully, because of that experience, I came to realize that there are certain aspects of work life that individuals shouldn’t compromise on.

While those aspects may vary from one person to the next, for me to be at my best it’s important for me to:

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