How Do You Deal with a Narcissist?

By Deb Boelkes

I’m often asked by mentees (of all ranks), “How do you deal with an especially annoying, self-centered, toxic individual who comes across to others as though they rule the world?”

Some define such adversaries as toxic. Some call them bullies. Some label them as self-important or self-aggrandizing. Some describe them as narcissistic. I’ll just bet you know someone who personifies such depictions.

So, how do you handle such people? When required to interact with such folks, are you able to do it in a professional and courteous manner? Are you apt to deal with them differently one-on-one?      

My beloved partner here at Heartfelt Leadership—the renowned psychiatrist and best-selling author Mark Goulston, M.D.—wrote a chapter titled Steer Clear of Toxic People in his book, Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone.  Long before I met him, my own personal experiences led me to believe that dealing with narcissists can be one of the most difficult interpersonal challenges we face at work and within our communities.  It was reading this chapter (over and over) that prompted me to finally go out of my way to get to know Dr. Mark.

In Steer Clear of Toxic People, Dr. Mark recounts the time he had life-saving surgery. That was the impetus that caused him to think about the stressors that kept him from living his life to the fullest:  

The biggest stressors in my life were toxic people: the ones who were easy to upset and hard to please, who let me down time after time, who wouldn’t cooperate or play fair, or who constantly made excuses and blamed other people….

Some of these people want to suck you dry, while others want to con you, thwart you, bully you, or make you the scapegoat for their mistakes. To save yourself, you need to strip these people of the power to hurt you.

There are three ways to do this. The first is to confront these people directly. The second is to neutralize them. The third is to walk away and make sure they don’t follow you.       

At this point of my life, I find Option Three (i.e. walk away) the easiest approach, but it doesn’t necessarily achieve “knock it out of the park” results. Moreover, when working in the corporate world or in community affairs—where interacting cooperatively with co-workers, vendors, business partners, clients, elected officials, business owners, or other stakeholders is a vital part of your role—you cannot always simply walk away. You must find some way to at least neutralize toxic, self-important individuals.

I find the best results are achieved when you can graciously confront them and turn them into an ally, albeit this takes a great deal of finesse and diplomacy. It’s not easy but it can be done.

So, let’s review the options:

Confront Them

One question I frequently hear from mentees is “what can I do in a meeting when some guy interrupts and talks over me, or talks down to me, in front of everyone else at the table?”

Whenever that happened to me, I would typically inject a polite comment into the offender’s diatribe, like “I’m sorry, Joe, but can you say that again? I want to make sure we all understand you.”

Realizing he had been kneecapped, the offender would usually halt the impudence and carry on in a more civilized manner. Otherwise, one of my valiant allies would jump in to steer the conversation in a more productive direction. I’d then interject with a sly smile, “Thank you for the clarification.”

The offender almost always got the message that they wouldn’t win any favors by putting me down in front of our compatriots.

Neutralize Them

Occasionally mentees tell me they’ve been accused of being too emotional when discussing controversial issues in meetings.  Such an example—from Colleen Barrett, president emeritus of Southwest Airlines—is in my book Heartfelt Leadership: How to Capture the Top Spot and Keep on Soaring:

I’ve had bosses who would say to me, every time I would get really into a subject, especially if it was more heartfelt than it was strategy-felt…you’re too emotional.

I would say, “I’m not emotional. I am passionate about this subject. It has nothing to do with emotions.”

When stated calmly, such a response is almost always an effective checkmate.

Walk Away

An effective example of walking away—from my early days at IBM—is included in my book, Women on Top: What’s Keeping You from Executive Leadership? Here’s the story:

I occasionally had reason to interact with a tall, brash colleague from another department. For whatever reason, he always seemed to take great pleasure in looking down his nose at me. He also made a habit of calling me Honey, and sometimes he’d rub salt in the wound by saying, “Now don’t you worry your pretty little head about this [situation]. I’ll handle it,” as though I couldn’t. 

Deep inside, I wanted to deck him. But eventually I realized this guy acted like a jerk to everyone, not just to me. I finally learned to just ignore him. Whenever I saw him enter the office, I would engage myself with someone else, or I’d leave the room, or I’d make a phone call. He simply wasn’t worth my time, so I let others in the office deal with him. Before long, he simply steered clear of me. Problem solved.

As Dr. Mark states in Just Listen, “You aren’t going to change a narcissist. When he cannot create a win-lose situation in which you lose and he wins, he’ll need to come up with something more workable.” 

Turn Them into Allies

As I said earlier, if you can graciously confront narcissists and turn them into allies, all the better. I give an example of what felt like one of my crowning achievements in my book Heartfelt Leadership, in the chapter titled, Live the Vision Together. While the story is too long to recant here, it’s well worth the read. I only wish I had discovered this magic years earlier.

I encourage you to make the effort to learn this tactic, as it may be one of the most valuable maneuvers you’ll ever leverage.