What Do You Want for Your Children?

By Deb Boelkes

How many special people are you grateful to for helping you become the person you are today?

Whether you are now a parent, teacher, coach, aunt or uncle, or simply a good neighbor to a child, what would you like your legacy to be in terms of making a difference in their life?

While my own childhood was idyllic early on, things turned chaotic when my mother became an alcoholic. That experience taught me that it isn’t always easy for children to navigate through life. Fortunately for me, some very special people seemed to magically come along to guide and encourage me at just the right moments in time. Thanks to my guardian angels, I grew up to be a responsible, self-reliant, and eternally grateful adult (discover more about this in my book Heartfelt Leadership).   

As an adult, I delayed having children of my own until I felt capable of being the kind of parent I believed every child deserves. From the outset, my objective as a parent was to serve as a role model of responsibility, self-reliance, and heartfelt gratitude for all the blessings God bestowed on me. I wanted my children to learn by example how to have a loving marriage with an equal partner in life.

Looking back now, I believe I accomplished that. After graduating college, my oldest son became an officer in the U.S. Marine Corps—although my husband loved to tease me, “he joined the Marines because it was easier than living with you!”  I honestly felt a little guilty about that until my son gratefully acknowledged, “I was able to become a Marine because you prepared me so well, Mom.” 

My youngest son grew up well, too, and is now a successful mid-level manager with a Big Four accounting firm. I still keep a little sign in my kitchen that he gave me long ago which says, “If I could have picked my mother, I would have picked you.” I am grateful that both sons now have wonderful marriages and adorable children of their own.

These days, my husband and I enjoy taking morning walks up the beach to the local resort for coffee. One day while ordering at the coffee bar, a harried young women barged in ahead of me and demanded of the barista, “I need a breakfast sandwich deconstructed!”

Taken aback by her audacity, the barista politely responded, “Excuse me?”

The woman quickly clarified, “My 6-year-old son is up in the room having a meltdown and he’s hungry. He’ll eat bagels; he’ll eat eggs; he’ll eat cheese; but he won’t eat them if they touch each other. Since you serve ‘Breakfast Sandwiches,’ I’m ordering one of those. Just don’t put it together. I need it deconstructed.”   

The mother carried on, “I never wanted to be that kind of mom, but it’s just easier.”  

I couldn’t help but wonder, what kind of adult is this mother teaching her child to become?     

Observing this made me grateful that my own parents weren’t like her, and that I was never that way with my own boys. Even if I was a “Marine Corps Mom”, I can confidently say that my children grew up to become responsible, self-reliant, successful, and appreciative adults—which is precisely what I wanted for them.

I subsequently came across an article on GoodMorningAmerica.com titled, Bride chooses 15 important men in her life to walk her down the aisle.  It was a wonderful reminder that despite the failings of one’s parents, guardian angels often do appear at just the right moments to make big differences in a young person’s life. The story began like this:  

A bride in Washington state devised a unique way to honor all the "father figures" whom she said helped guide her along the way from childhood to marriage.

Ivy Jurgensen, 28, was walked down the aisle at her wedding by 15 men, each of whom she credits with helping her get to where she is today.

"They've played huge roles in my life, in protecting and providing for me when I didn't ask them to," Jurgensen told Good Morning America. "So, for me to honor them and for everyone to see them and who they are to me was very special."

These fifteen men-of-honor included her biological brother and uncle, her brother-in-law, close family friends, her coaches from youth sports, and a school resource officer. Ivy eventually grew up to become a school resource officer herself.

Ivy spoke of her tumultuous childhood, “Without them, I don’t think I would be where I’m at in my life.…Trauma does not define you and you can still overcome it and use your trauma to help other people escape and be free from their trauma so that they can move forward…. My trauma does not define me. It shaped me."

Looking back at my own troubled youth, I will always be grateful for the motherly neighbor lady who shared these encouraging words with me—a message I never forgot: “Everything you have been through, my dear, will only serve to make you stronger than everyone else. Believe it or not, you are more likely to be successful in life because of all you’ve overcome.”  

I now know she was right.  

My partner in Heartfelt Leadership, Dr. Mark Goulston, shared this parental advice in our book, The WOW Factor Workplace: 

What is your role as a parent? Probably most of all, it is to teach your child good judgement and the ability to make good decisions, especially when they are under pressure and away from you.

If you do things for your children that they should do for themselves, you will prevent them from developing self-reliance, resourcefulness, courage, and commitment.

Regardless of whether you have children of your own, you can always choose to be a guardian angel for a troubled child, even if only for a moment in time. Just consider the difference you could make by simply offering an encouraging word or some friendly guidance on responsibility and self-reliance. Your heartfelt leadership could have tremendous long-term impacts, not only for this child but for the community and generations that follow.

Isn’t that what we want for all children?